Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I ♥ me





My relationship with myself, for as long as I can remember, has been in a word, tumultuous. Ever since I was a little girl, I can remember not feeling like I was the same as anyone else. I have always struggled on and off with self-confidence, mainly due to the actions and words of others. This issue may be well imprinted in my genetic codes, maybe I was just born that way. Whatever the reason may be, I've learned to come to terms with who I am and the way I am. My inspiration for writing this blog post is the recent passing of my Papa, who left this world on the 8th of February. It's bizarre to me how something so traumatic and horrendous has resulted in this sudden self-realisation. I can't explain why it has caused me to feel this way, but it has. He told me not long before he passed away to just get on with my own life, and forget about what others have to say. I have always put on the facade that I quite frankly don't give a shit about what those closest to me have to say, but deep down, it affects me and it hurts me. Since my early teens and onwards, I have been brought down for my weight, my personality, the way I dress, the way I look, the make-up I wear, the people I associate with and countless other things. I want those of you who are reading this, who have experienced what I have, to know that it isn't okay for you to be made to feel this way. Strangers words' mean nothing to me - there is no substance to them. When these words come from someone you love though, it shakes your core like nothing else I have felt before. How can someone you love treat you this way, make you feel as worthless as they do? I can't fathom the want or desire to treat another human being in this fashion. "You're fat", "you look a mess" ,"you look ridiculous", "look at the state of you", "lose weight" "you're a slut", "you're too fat to be wearing that". The ultimate message in all of this is "you're not good enough."

~

If I could click my fingers, and magically become a size 8 I would. I won't lie and say that being overweight makes me happy, because it doesn't. I look at myself and feel miserable. My feelings of self-hate over the years have caused me issues that I have to live with now, namely anxiety and depression. They have affected my personal relationships, work, my daily life, walking to the shops for bread and milk. When you think about it, it's ridiculous how much power you give to people, to words coming out of a mouth, without even knowing it. I also came out to family at the beginning of year that I was bisexual. It caused me a lot of hurt, and for the first time in my life, since coming out to my friends at the age of 14, I felt ashamed of my sexuality. I felt so angry that I was made to feel like this. I felt like a bad person, like I was dirty, like there was something wrong with me, and that pissed me off. With age, maturity and with these recent events, I've realised that life is just too damn short to care. Too short to care what other people think of you, say to you or do to you. Live your own life, and love yourself for who you are. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend or a stranger; let them know it's not okay for them to treat you like this. You deserve better, and so do I. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I am a good person, and that reflects on my exterior. I owe it to myself to focus on me. To keep becoming a better person with each passing day, to self-improve, to learn, to love and to experience life at it's fullest, and in the way that I deem worthy. I want you to know that if you have been through what I have, then I am here for you, and I think you're beautiful just the way you are. Stop trying to live the life others believe you should have, because it'll never work out for YOU. If you ever need to vent, ever need to talk or need to ask for advice about anything I've mentioned here, you can always find me on my various social media platforms. Whether it's about losing a loved one, feeling as if you're not good enough, anxiety, depression, sexuality, feeling down, it doesn't matter. Email me, tweet me, comment on my blog - whatever. I loved writing this blog post, and I hope my words can inspire at least one person like me, to heed my words and start living your own life. Don't try and live up to someone else's standards, set your own and you'll be so much happier for it. To anyone who has ever hurt me with their words, I forgive you. It's time for you to start loving yourselves too.

~

I'm doing this for me, and for you Papa. I am so lucky to have had a person in my life like you. I am so lucky to have loved someone like I love you. I know you would want me to start taking these steps in the right direction, and that you'll be proud of me no matter what. I love you.

"Words can’t hurt you. Only your own perception of those words." - Jinkx Monsoon

Thank you for reading. You're all amazing and gorgeous.


4 comments:

  1. I really loved this post, I struggle myself with accepting the person I am, I always have done. I've recently now started keeping a positive journal which I am now turning into a scrapbook to help me remember reasons why I'm a good person and that people do indeed love me and that life isn't all that bad!
    Lovely post.. sorry for your loss of your dad <3

    A Fickle Fox

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you liked it Emily. The journal is a great idea! :) If it helps you then go for it. I've tried to keep a journal before but I'm a bit lazy. Life is what you make it.
      My Papa was my grandfather, I luckily still have my Dad here. Haha. :)
      Thank you for commenting <3
      x

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  2. This was very inspiring. You are gorgeous! :) x

    ReplyDelete

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